I’m not saying these cookies were commissioned by Wolverine, but whoever makes them will happen to have an excuse to slice Deadpool’s face into ribbons over and over again without him once snarking about your cutting technique.
Much like the Merc with a Mouth himself, these cookies are a pain in the ass that makes you laugh. The bad news is you’re going to have to make three batches of dough and then assemble some fiddly bits. The good news is if you eat enough of these the food coloring will turn your poop a festive Christmas green. Enjoy your cherry-chocolate ritualized cannibalism!
Deadpool Mask Cookies
White Dough
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
¼ tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temp
1 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp vanilla
Red Dough
21/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup unsalted butter, room temp
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
2 tsp cherry extract
1 tbsp red food coloring
Black Dough
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
¼ tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temp
1 cup granulated sugar
½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tbsp black food coloring
WHITE DOUGH
Start with the white dough. Toss your flour, baking powder, and salt into a bowl and attack it with a whisk until you get bored. If you’re easily bored, try to keep it up for at least 15-20 seconds. If you don’t invest in those 20 seconds, some of your dough will grow like it’s been exposed to gamma radiation while other parts will limply drizzle around like a depressed, incontinent lemur.
Now put your butter in a big ass bowl. A stand mixer is perfect, but a regular bowl and a hand mixer will do fine. Attack the butter with the mixing implement of your choice for about two minutes. You want to beat some air into it. (Fun Fact: This is not how the Kingpin ended up his size. Do not attack him with a hand mixer.)
That butter looks awfully lonely. Keep it company by adding the sugar and vanilla. Keep beating for another two minutes so the sugar crystals can rip into the butter, doing microscopic yet awesome damage.
Now, you finally get to add that flour you whisked. Mix in about ⅓, keep beating until it’s blended, mix in the next third, and – in a shocking twist – no, never mind. Just mix in the final third.
You should now have a nice white sugar cookie dough. Congratulations. Roll it up in a hard ball, wrap it in plastic, and put it in the fridge alongside the rest of your collection of dubiously flesh colored lumps.
RED DOUGH
Do the thing where you whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt again.
In fact, do the thing with the butter again. Gosh, it’s like these are shockingly similar recipes with incredibly minor differences. Once you’ve spent a couple minutes beating up the butter, add the sugar and blend away for another two minutes. The tedium. You can stand it. I know you can. I believe in you. Now comes the interesting part – add the egg, cherry extract, and food coloring. Okay, I lied. It’s not that interesting, but if you do it right, it should look nice and bloody in your bowl.
Sop up that faux blood by adding in the flour blend, ⅓ at a time. Beat, add, beat, add, beat, add, beat some more. It’s like fighting minions who all take their turns instead of ganging up on you all at once like sane little psychopaths.
You should now have twice as much red dough as you did white. Roll it up in a ball, wrap it in plastic, and put it in the fridge. Your fingers might look like your scurvy has progressed to the bleeding cuticles phase, but if you taste your own digits, you’ll get nothing but delicious cherry.
Go wash your hands and your bowl. You want to get rid of a lot of that red, because it’s time to go dark. And chocolaty.
BLACK DOUGH
Once more, start off by whisking together your flour, baking powder, and salt. You’re a pro at this by now.
Put the butter in your freshly cleaned mixing bowl and beat it like it it just insulted your stylish wardrobe. Keep that up for two minutes before introducing it to the sugar, then just keep beating for two minutes more. It should now be full of air bubbles and puncture wounds. Give it a nice bruised look by dumping in the cocoa powder and black food coloring. Keep beating. Harder. If you’re still here, you know you like it.
Finally, add the whisked flour blend. You may be tempted to make these healthier by substituting whole wheat flour. Cut it out! These are sugar cookies, not health food! What’s wrong with you? Dump that white flour mix right into the black slurry and keep beating until it turns into a dough.
Once more, wrap this one up in plastic and put it in the fridge. Now set a timer for half an hour. The three doughs can all stay in the fridge that long while you wash and wash and wash, but you’ll never feel clean again. At least, not until the food coloring fades from your skin. Used in these quantities, that stuff can be tenacious.
Whatever you do, don’t compromise by using less food coloring. You’ll end up with a pastel pink Deadpool peering at you through his soft, leather-brown eyes. He’s not a My Little Pony.
ASSEMBLY
Get your three wads of dough out of the fridge.
Lay down a nice, long strip of parchment paper. You want to use waxed paper or parchment paper because it’s strong enough for a lot of handling and, importantly, won’t bunch and make weird, unsightly wrinkles on the surface of the dough.
Now that we have that straightened out, flatten the white dough into a rectangle with your hands and roll it out so it’s ½ inch thick and a full foot long. It may seem intimidating, but you can take 12 inches, baby. In fact, once you get used to it, you’ll like it.
Cut two long strips out of the thickest, strongest part around the middle. These are Deadpool’s eyes. Gently roll them to round out the edges.
Set the white dough aside. Rip off another long sheet of parchment paper and roll out the black dough. This time, you want it to stretch the full width of the paper as well as reaching 12 exciting inches in length.
Gently lay one tube of eye goo on top of the black dough. Cut out a piece of black just wide enough to wrap all the way around the white and overlap by ¼ inch. Repeat the process for the second eye.
To get full Deadpool Belt Buckle effect, you want the interior of the eye sockets flat(ish) while the exterior is rounded. To do this, simply lift your tube of black wrapped eye dough and uncerimoniously drop it on your kitchen counter. It should splat nicely, flattening out one side. Use your fingers to gently round out the remaining side. When next to one another, your two tubes of eye goo should look like evil McDonald’s arches with flat bottoms and suggestively rounded tops.
Set the two black eyes aside and tear off a third piece of parchment paper. This time, roll out half the red dough so it’s the same width as the paper and at least 12 inches long. A little extra at the tip is okay.
Cut the dough a quarter inch wider than your black eye tubes. Carefully wrap a layer of red around each eye, making sure the red dough overlaps in the same place the black dough does. Overlapping makes a somewhat thicker layer while also helping ensure none of the dough bursts out of bounds during baking in a daring escape attempt. Keep it captive.
Now for the interesting part.
Position your two eyes next to one another. You want the flattened seam sides to face inwards, to the middle of the cookies. Try to make sure the pupils line up. Now gently press the two halves together.
You’ll have a little gap at the top and bottom. Cut a foot long strip of red dough and use it to fill the gap. Gently roll the cookies over and repeat on the other side.
Remember the other half of your red dough? Roll it out now. Very carefully lay your fragile Deadpool eyes at one end of the fresh slab of red dough. Firmly but gently roll the dough around the cookies. This is where the parchment paper really comes in handy. You can get a good grip with it. Plus, it’s strong enough to keep your cookies from breaking and escaping during this delicate procedure.
Here’s the deal. You don’t want to squish the cookies out of shape, but at the same time, you don’t want to leave any pesky gaps or airholes, because those equal disaster in baking. Try to roll everything as snugly as possible without warping the shape.
I obviously ended up with oval cookies. If you want yours rounder, double the red dough recipe. Roll out the extra dough and just keep wrapping it in layers around the cookies until you get a nice sphereish shape. They’ll be pretty big, but also pretty awesome.
Roll the parchment paper snugly around the tube of precious, hard fought dough and twist it closed at the ends. Put the whole tube in your freezer for at least an hour, though you can also leave it there overnight if you’re easily distracted and not at all curious how your cookies came out.
GET A KNIFE
When the tedious hour has finally passed, you get to play with knives. Get your sharpest, widest blade. I like my santoku for the job, but a chef’s knife will do just fine. I’m warning you now, if you only own a rusty butterknife you stole from Golden Corral, you’re in trouble – and not just from the food poisoning.
You have to slice these with one firm, decisive downward motion. If you saw at it or wiggle around, you’ll push all the dough into the wrong places and will hate yourself as much as you hate the botched cookies. Borrow a knife if you have to. You can leave the cookie log in the fridge for up to a month while you get this done.
I assume you now have a knife.
Lube up a baking sheet with butter. Don’t waste your calorie free cooking spray. Butter. Do it.
Now is the time for your knife skills. Look at the log. Look at your knife. You can do this. Trim off the raggedy ends to build up your confidence. Now, in one smooth, decisive motion, slice ⅛ inch thick cookies off the log.
Arrange them 2 inches apart on your well lubed cookie sheets.
Bake at 350F for 8-10 minutes. Don’t leave them in there so long the eyes start to brown. You don’t want to make Deadpool look like he has cataracts.
Once you take them out of the oven, carefully slide them onto a cooling rack until they’re no longer molten. I discovered leaving mine out overnight helped them dry out that last perfect bit so they were crunchy all the way through.
I got 60 cookies out of my log. Your mileage will vary depending on how thick or thin you cut your cookies.
When you give these to people, the first surprise is seeing Deadpool in deliciously edible form. The second surprise is the neat blend of cherry and chocolate in each bite. Revel in the well deserved adoration of your friends. After all this work, you earned it.
Need More Deadpool Recipes?
Kitchen Overlord’s Illustrated Geek Cookbook includes the Merc with a Mouth’s home made Chimichangas plus nerdy recipes from 50 other fandoms.
Or check out the links below for even more Deadpool themed recipes!
- Deadpool Sushi
- Deadpool Sweet Rolls
- Deadpool Cookies
- Deadpool Stuffed Bell Peppers
- Geek Cake Friday: 13 Lucky Deadpool Cakes
- And, of course, CHIMICHANGAS!
Get All Sugared Up With More Recipes from Geek Cookie Week!
- Exploding TARDIS Cookies
- Death Star Oreos
- Hobbit Hole Door Sandwich Cookies
- Deadpool Mask Cookies
- Doctor Who Ood Alien Cookies
- Sherlock Shortbread Teabags
- Princess Buttercups
